SEVENTH SEAL LIBRARY

God's Truth Not Smooth Words

Cinderella Syndrome

Cinderella Syndrome

©copyright 2007 Bonita M Quesinberry, R.C.

Cinderella Syndrome? Is this clinical terminology? It is and counselors use it as a diagnostic term to describe angry, out of control children who live with one parent and a stepparent or even abusive parents; kids who automatically assume that all stepparents and abusive parents are evil thus act out their confusion, sense of abandonment and rage. Several years ago, this issue was covered in a lesson about parenting; however, this syndrome also impacts marriages much more than people realize.

“The French Cendrillon,” penned by Charles Perrault in the 1690s, is believed to be the original “Cinderella;” of this latter, similar tales of wicked stepmothers and prince charming saving an abused princess are found in nearly all cultures. However, the originals were not written as children’s fairytales; they were novel length works intended for adults, which explains negatives in “Cinderella” that destructively impact children.

Tales such as “Cinderella” and “Sleeping Beauty” create unrealistic, and often unfair, expectations of stepparents or abusive parents and future marriage partners. Many, but not all, children who grew up on these classic fairytales automatically assume stepparents are wicked and immediately will set out to derail that vile person who dared to disrupt their life: girls dreamed of being swept away by a strong Prince Charming, who saves their lives, loves them unconditionally, and gives them everything they want; and, our boys expect to become mesmerized by a beautiful, sweet, loving Princess, to whom they willingly would give the world on a silver platter. Both believe they will be saved from a wicked stepparent, or abusive parents, then go on to live happily ever after. In their world of make believe, life is sweet smelling roses void of thorns.

It’s irrelevant to have taught that these are just fairytales, not real life; especially if parental role models are less than examples of a godly union. A child is impacted at such a young age that he or she does not understand the explanation; and, if it be they also have a stepparent or later gain one or have an abusive parent, fairytales become all that much more of a realistic hope to him or her: an abusive stepparent or poor parental example transfers to a prince or princess with marriage being this child’s escape to perfect love, one that usually will fail miserably. When reality does not match the fairytale outcome, divorce courts open their doors and slam down a gavel with ominous finality on what only seems to have changed from wicked stepparents or vile parents to evil spouses.

Today, there are a number of excuses given courts of law to justify the abominable action of divorce: infidelity, abuse, abandonment, misrepresentation, going in different directions, no longer on the same emotional level, no longer “in love;” though the most popular excuse cited in legal petitions is irreconcilable differences: sounds better and neither party suffers public blame.

The point of divorcing: “I made a mistake. He isn’t my prince charming” or “she isn’t my beautiful princess;” albeit, the more popular phrase is, he or she “isn’t my soul mate.” And, they just KNOW that their soul mate is still out there somewhere patiently waiting for them; thus, adulterous remarriage becomes the solution.

Notice the word “excuses” above; for God considers not one of those excuses to be a valid reason for divorce. Although, He does allow a man to divorce, IF and only if his wife has committed adultery, but He does not allow a woman to divorce her husband for any reason. Jesus taught forgiveness; so even in cases of adultery, divorce is not God’s solution for troubled marriages.

It is sad that people are astounded when a couple reports having been married 40 or 50 years or, as the Quesinberry grandparents, married for 72 years when grandfather died at age 96. People instantly ask, “What’s your secret to staying married so long?” The Quesinberry’s would have said that, despite grandfather’s early infidelity and even abuse, God’s plan for marriage was the reason for longevity.

This Cinderella Syndrome defines marriage as it being all about “me, myself, and I:” what marriage can do for “me,” what the spouse can do for “me,” about how much the spouse loves “me.” To enter a marriage with such self-serving expectations is a sure ticket to divorce courts. On the other hand, God directs us to look outside self; therefore, marriage is supposed to be about loving the spouse and doing all we can for our spouse. It should not be about what the spouse can do for self.

Marriage also is about reflecting a oneness that mirrors our oneness with God; thus, marriage is all about pleasing God by our obedience to His earthly marriage rules. After all, marriage applies in this lifetime only; for in the eternal life there will be no one given in marriage. Our total focus then, as genderless spirit beings, will be our awesome Father and His Christ, our Lord and Saviour who is our future husband.

We, as parents, need to be aware of how fairytales might impact our children’s future behaviour; therefore, we need to be very cognizant of any negatives such stories might be forming in our kids’ minds. If negatives are there, then don’t allow those fairytales for young, impressionable children. Let them read them as adults who, hopefully, have been thoroughly taught God’s way by the time they read those fables.

And, of course, we need to be setting the very best possible examples for our children to follow. God’s Word provides everything we need to be great husbands and wives from the get go, to assure marital longevity void of becoming a national statistic. Being godly husbands and wives results in becoming the best parents. God’s Word tells each spouse what He expects of him and her, explains their respective duties designed for each— providing no room for focusing on whether or not the other spouse is doing what he or she should be doing— and God explains how to parent the children He loans to us.

The single biggest mistake couples make is to believe they must please their spouse or lose him or her. We never can fully please another human, not as long as we are in these finite bodies and Satan roams around looking for victims to devour with lies. But without any doubt, we can please God: we’ve only to follow His rules for husbands and wives, which directs us to focus on being the best self can be without any regard for what the other spouse is doing or not doing.

As with all things concerning our heavenly Father, we are judged solely on self-behaviour; so, in reality, it does not matter what our husband or wife is doing right or wrong. In fact, if we are committed and work at being a godly person, spouse and parent, odds are in our favor that, eventually, the noncompliant spouse will change his or her behaviour simply by what they see in us. The Word charges, “Who are you to say your mate will never change?” Refer to “Discipline Self.”

Wives and mothers, are you teaching your daughters how to be godly women and showing your sons how to recognize a godly woman so that, when it is time, he will make a wise choice in his choice of mate; your children seeing it in your behaviour and reinforced by your teaching of God’s Word on the topic? Husbands and fathers, are you raising your sons to be godly men and showing your daughters how to recognize a godly man so they will make a wise choice in husbands; showing them by your behaviour and instructing them according to God’s Word on the subject?

Every answer we need to this temporary life’s many issues is found only in God’s Word. So, don’t make the mistake of looking for happiness to come from another human, where it never will be found. God told us where to find happiness, “Happy is the person who obeys God’s Law.” At best, other people can only enhance our happiness, though we cannot always count on them to do so; but they never can take happiness away from us when God is the One to have given it.

Below cited are all relevant scripture references; however, for a clear understanding, it is most helpful to read them gathered into one place; as in the AKJV Topical Bible “Truth Gathering,” the only Topical Bible available that includes ALL relevant scriptures quoted verbatim. Please note that references below are taken from the Authorized King James Version Bible; other versions often differ due to hazardous omissions, deletions and erroneous definitions that depart from original language intent:

HUSBANDS: Genesis 2:22-24; 3:17-19; Exodus 22:19; Leviticus 18:22-23; 20:10,15-16; 21:7; Deuteronomy 22:5; 24:5; 27:20-23; Proverbs 18:22; 21:9,19; 22:24-26,29; 24:1-7,9; 25:23-24,28; 27:12; 28:12-14; 29:22-23; 31:3-6; Ecclesiastes 7:1-6,8-9; 9:9-10; 11:8-10; I Corinthians 7:1-16, 25-29,32-33; 11:3-12; 6:14-18; Ephesians 5:25-33; I Timothy 2:8; 3:2-5; Titus 2:2,6-8,11-15; I Peter 3:7-13

WIVES: Genesis 3:16; Deuteronomy 22:5; Esther 1:20,22; Proverbs 19:13-15; 27:15-16; 31:10-31; Ecclesiastes 7:26,28; I Corinthians 7:2-5; 7:10-11,13-17,34, 39-40; 11:3,8-9,11-12; II Corinthians 6:14-18; Ephesians 5:22-24; I Timothy 2:8-15; 5:14-15; Titus 2:2-5; I Peter 3:1-6

PARENTING: Proverbs 13:23-25; 19:18,26-27; 20:11,20,29-30; 22:6,15; 23:24-26; 26:3-5; 28:7,9,24; 29:3,15,17-18; Ecclesiastes 4:13-14; 11:10; Matthew 15:4-6,~7; 19:19; Mark 7:10-13,19; Luke 18:20; Ephesians 6:1-4; Colossians 3:20-21

DIVORCE: Genesis 2:22-24; Leviticus 21:7-14; 22:13; 24:1-4; Jeremiah 3:1; Proverbs 6:32; 30:18-20,23; Ezekiel 16:32,35,38,43-44,~45; 33:15; Hosea 2:2-3,5~,6-9; 4:~1~l,2,3; Matthew 5:31-32; 19:3-9; Mark 10:10-12; Luke 16:18; John 4:6-18; 8:3-5,7,9-11; Romans 7:2-3; I Corinthians 6:13-15,18-20; 7:1-4,10-16,39-40; 11:3,7-9; 14:34; Ephesians 5:22-24,33; Colossians 3:18; I Timothy 2:9-15; 5:11-12; Titus 2:3-5,11-12; Hebrews 13:4,17; James 4:4; I Peter 3:1-2; II Peter 3:1-2,17; Luke 22:40,46; Matthew 5:48; I Thessalonians 5:22; Isaiah 32:9-12 — keep in mind Ecclesiastes 7:26 and James 4:8 as well as consider Proverbs 31:10-28

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Resource: “Truth Gathering,” chapters 4, 5, and 17; Husbands and Wives, Parenting, and Divorce, respectively; pages 139-148, 309-318, respectively; “Truth Gathering” ©copyright 1998, an exhaustive AKJV Topical Bible of all critical-to-salvation subjects, fully annotated for definition and comprehension. Book Review: “Every Christian should have this topical Bible as a study companion to their Bible.” Available by order from any local or online bookstore: Amazon.com offers lowest pricing.  

~~ end Sabbath Lesson 03/10/07

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10 March 2007 Posted by | Bible, Bible Related Articles, Bible Study, Christ, Christian, Christianity, Church, Escatology, Evil, Fathers, God, Homemaking, Husbands, Jehovah, Jesus, Love, Marriage, Mothers, Parenting, Religion, Self Help, Spiritual, Spiritual Study, Truth, Wives | 8 Comments